Maybe I've always been more comfortable in chaos
The Main Event
I’ve already written rather extensively about the coping mechanisms I’ve had to employ during the pandemic to keep me somewhat sane, as well as the things I miss about non-pandemic life and why I’m generally anxious about returning to society. Something that I haven’t addressed in detail, however, is the absolutely ridiculous amount of time I have spent alone in my head analyzing how I feel about literally everything, or how I find myself living in the past mentally for days on end.
I am very fortunate that my experience of the pandemic has been relatively calm and safe: none of my loved ones have been sick, and I can afford both the roof over my head and to feed myself. That being said, I have seriously missed the drama and easy distractions of everyday life; more than anything, I long to be able to escape my own circular thoughts by meeting my friends on a patio or going to the movies with my Mama.
I think all humans are allowed to indulge in a little bit of chaotic behaviour from time to time, as it’s often what makes life actually worth living. That being said, ‘chaos’ doesn’t mean literal death and destruction - instead, I’m referring to the messier parts of life, like the crush you have on the random guy you see every day on the bus to work, or the desire to be a bit casually reckless on a night out, or even the nervousness and potential heartbreak that come with building new friendships or romantic partnerships. All in all, I’m frustrated with being stuck in my head, reliving the intricate messiness of my life pre-Covid over and over again. Instead, I want to create new messiness, to have the ability to instantly pause the never-ending cycle of ruminating thoughts, to make some sort-of-bad decisions that’ll make me laugh later.
Sometimes the best way to work through a situation or emotion is to sit in it even when it’s highly uncomfortable, to process exactly how you’re really feeling, minute by excruciating minute. But, at a certain point, this processing can become too much: I’ve been doing it day in, day out for over a year now, and I frankly think I’ve reached the end of the road - there simply isn’t anything more for me to process, okay?!
Truth be told, I am quite a fan of being able to bolt when I feel like things are getting a bit too heavy in my head. In a ‘normal’ world, I have the choice to eject myself from toxic thought patterns whenever I want to. I can interrupt the dizzying static by doing something - anything! - that will take me out of my head. Having the choice to be in motion like this, rather than static in my own crumby apartment, feels safe to me because nothing, good or bad (but mostly bad), can really stick while I’m on the run. At times this behaviour can be toxic, like when I allow myself to bolt instead of facing how I’m really feeling or what I actually want. That being said, I am proud to say that most of the time I make healthy choices about cutting those things that are no longer serving me out of my life completely: when I can leave, I do. And it feels good.
At the moment, though, I have no option but to stay - if I make a cut, there’s nowhere to go to dull its sharpness, and it’s impossible to distract myself until everything hurts a little bit less. Luckily, things do seem to currently be going in the right direction: Toronto’s Covid numbers are going down, the weather is getting nicer, and I can sense more of a lightness in the air. It seems like the messiness clock is finally ticking again, and I absolutely cannot wait!
Some Other Stuff
Unfortunately I don’t have much random stuff for you this week as I spent most of my free time zoning out in front of old episodes of Love Island UK. Sorry!
Something I Watched This Week: Survivor is officially coming back in the fall, and while scrolling through TikTok I found this account by a previous player. She has some great clips exposing a few of Survivor’s secrets. Definitely check it out if you’re a fan!
Ok my wee gremlins, have a good two weeks! I’ll see you in mid-June! I still haven’t watched the last episode of Mare of Easttown, and I am proud of myself for not searching for spoilers (though I do love spoilers).
Let’s be cute together,
Diana
One of the upsides of being a bookworm is where it takes you beyond your own head.